Monday, October 31, 2005

Happy Halloween, Y'All!

May your day be freaky

Ditto on the last title

and frightful!

Be Afraid, Very Afraid

Huz and Victoria


Posted by Bird On A Line @ 6:25 PM

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Writer's Block

I haven't posted much lately because I just don't know what to say. I work the ol' 9-5 again and it's pretty monotonous. You don't want me to write about that, do you?

I see that the evil Dolores Umbridge role has been cast for the next Harry Potter film. I think they could have chosen a more toad-like person, but maybe with the right makeup she'll make do (a little green eye shadow here, a wart or two here, some more fat here...). I was trying to think of who else could play the part, but Huz didn't think Angelica Huston was very toad-like. So, I sought out to find the most toad-like actress that I could. I didn't find much because Hollywood typically only casts beautiful women, but here are a few that I've come up with:

Rosa Klebb

Jabba the Hut

Who would you cast?

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 5:11 PM

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Frenchable Feline

As you know, I'm all about cats - if I wasn't married I'd probably have 80 of them, but I think this pushes it a bit too far.

Um, ew!?

[Do you all not think this is gross, or are you not able to view it? I thought I'd get more feedback than this!?]

[Okay, I guess it's not easy to see, so I'll just tell you what it is. It's a CNN clip of a cat with two tongues. She's happily licking away at the peanut butter her owner put on her nose, but it sure looks nasty to me!]

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 8:59 AM

Monday, October 24, 2005

Nashville, I'm So Proud of You!

Cool weather, finally!

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 3:02 PM

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Fake Blogs?

I just realized that I've been tricked, duped, punkd. Two of the newest additions on my "Reading" sidebar aren't really blogs at all. They're merely masquerading as them. A blog is supposed to be a person's diary put online, right? Well these writers aren't talking about what they did over the weekend; they aren't struggling publicly with infertility; they aren't trying to engage in political or religious discourse. These writers are simply promoting items for sale and, undoubtedly, the "person" writing them is on the payroll for this form of advertising.

Ack! I'm a bit pissed that I've been tricked into reading commercials hidden under the mask of a blog. But I suppose we're all duped into this commercialism trap. We drive down the highway and are inundated by billboards screaming in giant font about which radio stations to listen to and which restaurants to eat at; we watch t.v. and get 2 minutes of commercials for every 15 minutes of show (and don't even get me started on how these operate to continue the normalization of traditional gender roles - Wow! A woman is doing all of the household chores and she's so happy about it! Wow! A woman is caring for the children and needs to buy these great baby wipes so that her kids can be as clean and happy as those on the t.v.!); we get sidebars and sidebars of ads on websites and blogs (and, yes, I know that some people do it for income to support their families, but it gets old after a while, doesn't it?).

Anyway, it just got me to thinking...

We interrupt this blog to tell you about the NEW! FRESH! MUST HAVE! household good of this decade! It's the Loose Slipcover Detector and it's available to you (by calling in the next 10 minutes) for a mere twelve payments of $19.95! Call now!!

The Loose Slipcover Detector is EASY to use! Simply place it in front of the couch.

Hmm..that slipcover seems a bit loose!

The L.S.D. will immediately detect if the slipcover is loose.

Let's see what's behind it, shall we!?

Utilizing the most up-to-date and scientifically tested methods of detection, the L.S.D. will determine just how loose the slipcover really is.

If I can just get my arm in here...

...and then my head...

Some of these methods may appear strange, but they are all normal and should occur in your L.S.D. like this floor model here.


...and then the other arm...

Again, these are scientifically proven methods of looseness detection!

Almost in!

The detection process is almost complete!

Just the tip remains!


The L.S.D. is modern and useful! Upon completion of the detection process, it will come out of the slipcover to give a full report of its findings!

I'm coming out!


Hi Dad! What are you doing out here?

Finally, if the L.S.D. comes REALLY close to your face (or camera in this case), then you know for certain (it's 99.99% accurate) that your slipcover is, in fact, loose and needs to be tucked in.

Don't delay!! Get your Loose Slipcover Detector TODAY!!

Very Strange Picture (Huz's knee and Cambie's eye)

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 8:50 PM

Monday, October 17, 2005

Artsy Fartsy and Backyard Chaos

On Sunday I went to a cool part of Nashville with a friend. I've been meaning to go look at the shops on this particular block of town, called Hillsboro Village, since we got here. It was before noon on a Sunday so, being the Bible belt and all, not a lot was open, but we did get to enjoy a cappuccino and croissant at a patiserie and some window shopping. It's just got an artsy-vibe to it and I fell in love with the one store that was open (shove it Bible Belt! We're going to be open, damn it!). It's called A Thousand Faces and I love it. They've got a very eclectic collection of handmade items from metal wine holders and jewelry to pottery and hilarious greeting cards. If they had one that went something like this, I totally would have bought it:

Dear Back Door Neighbors,

How are you? We haven't met, but I know you're there. Oh yes, I know you're there. You were kind enough to announce your presence last night at 2:00a.m. when you had your drunken bonfire party in your backyard, which just so happens to be right next to my backyard, which is just outside my bedroom window. I'm so glad to have met your drunken singing and laughing at the top of your lungs at this blissful time of the morning. How did you know that I'm a morning person? Even though I had to work the next morning, I enjoyed being up until 4:00a.m. listening to your fun times. I trust that you won't mind that I called the police to pay you a visit at 2:45a.m., which was when I just couldn't take it anymore. Until next time and, really, it was lovely meeting you.

Yours truly,

Victoria and Huz Winters

But, alas, A Thousand Faces didn't carry such a greeting card. Oh well. I gave a not-so-subtle hint to Huz when I got home from the store. I handed him their business card and told him that if he ever happened to want to buy me a present, that this place was probably to best place to purchase said gift. It was just me through and through. Handmade pottery frames, fancy knitting yarn, one of a kind jewelry...I could have easily spent hours in this place, but my dear friend had to go home and grade papers (I'm now convinced that teaching is definitely NOT the career for me - especially to high schoolers...Lord have mercy!).

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 8:53 PM

Friday, October 14, 2005

Mushroom Pizza Beverage

I should know better than to try and order wine from a small bar that mainly serves beer, shouldn't I?

Huz and I went to a bar last night to listen to a friend perform (it's Nashville, you know, so everyone here is a musician of some kind - including our noisy neighbors). It was a small bar located right below a strip club. Ick. That's the closest I've ever been to that kind of place and the closest I ever want to come. Besides hearing the thump.thump.thump. of the gyration-inducing music upstairs, there was no contact with that establishment and the one below. Thank God for that. This little bar has open-mic night for community musicians and song-writers, so that's why our friend was there.

Anyway, I started with a rum and coke because it's easy to order and any bar can make it, plus it's hard to screw up (unless, of course, they jip me on the rum). Then, I wanted a glass of wine. Big mistake. I had Huz get me a glass of shiraz while I lounged on the nice leather couch and listened to the musicians on the stage. He came back and handed me my wine which I brought to my nose and then to my lips. Whoa. Something was not quite right and I'm not even a wine snob. It smelled like mushroom pizza and it tasted like the bath water of a dog. A dirty, flea-infested dog. I'm not exaggerating; it was sick. I tried a few more sips (trying to grin and bear it so that I didn't have to bring it back - I get embarrassed by that for some reason), but I couldn't do it. I brought it back up to the bar where the bartender didn't look a day over nineteen. I told her that I thought the wine was corked because it tasted bad. She was like, "What? It doesn't taste good? Wanna 'nother one?" I said yes please and asked how long the bottle had been open. She said, "Oh probably a week or two."
Um, yeah. Can you say oxidation? Shudder.

So, she grabs an oh-so-classy glass-sized bottle of Sutter Homes cheap red wine, unscrews the cap (oh yeah!), and pours me a new glass. It wasn't fancy and it wasn't great, but at least it didn't have a bouquet of fungus!

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 10:14 AM

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Polydactyl Sounds Like Pterodactyl

After I posted the picture of Cambridge's foot, I started to wonder about cat toes. Do they have four or five of them? This reminded me of my childhood cat, Doris Schwartz. Yes, I was kinda into Fame as a girl - the leotards, leg warmers and dancing really got me hooked, as did the dorky "Get In Shape Girl" commercials. Remember that catchy jingle?
"Get in Shape Girl, You've got the feeling,
Get in shape girl, It's so appealing!"
Yes! I'm a child of the 80s, what can I say?

Doris came to mind because there was something very unique about her. See how I use the term "unique"? That's nice isn't it - it makes her sound special and cool (which, of course, she was). But I'm afraid that Huz (who wasn't Huz at the time but was merely the Boyfriend) wasn't so kind with his words. No. He decided to call the cat of his girlfriend (the only one that loved him, mind you) the Mutant Cat. That's right, the Mutant Cat.

Why on earth would he do that? Other than being mean to show affection? Because my cat had a multi-toe superpower. Yep, she had 6 toes on one foot and 7 on the other. It was really quite cool, except that it probably cost my Mom a fortune to get her declawed.

I looked this phenomenon up (it's called polydactyl) and found this funky picture:


Awesome. I don't remember if this is what Doris' feet looked like, but I wish I had taken her footprint and framed it.

I'd like to tell Huz that not only was Doris not a mutant, but that she was actually more evolutionarily advanced. Check this out:

"A correspondent to the New Scientist noted that the innermost extra toes on the front paws are often opposable and some cats use them with quite startling proficiency to manipulate small objects with almost human dexterity. Some owners of polydactyl cats joke that their cats are more intelligent because of this and represent the next stage in feline evolution - the ability to open cartons and cans unaided."

Too bad I didn't put her opposing digits to good use and make her wash the damn dishes for me or something.

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 7:01 PM

Photo Friday: Five


Even our cute sasquatch has five little toes (except you can't see one of them - is that black nub on their ankle considered a thumb?).

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 9:31 AM

Saturday, October 8, 2005


I've been keeping a secret from you, Internet. I change my mind, a lot. It would be easy to just blame it on supposed gender traits and say that it's a woman thing, but I won't do that because: 1) that's lame and I don't buy it and 2) it's a cop out.

I gave Porter back to his foster family. Now, before you go postal* on me, you should know that he is NOT at a shelter. He's with the foster family that found him in June. They live on a big farm with lots of space and other dogs for him to play with until his foster mom finds him a good home. It was a difficult decision for me because I was the one who pushed for it and then I back-peddled once I found out how different life with dogs is than it is with cats. I felt incredibly guilty and I cried about it, but I felt that it was best (even if I loose all of my readers).

Here's my defense, take it or leave it: We have a small house and it quickly became smaller with a medium/large dog in it; we have a small yard that unfortunately is mostly concrete in the back and is not currently fenced - so we had to take him out on a leash whenever he got bored of being inside (which was often) and he deserves a bigger, grassier yard to play in at will; I believe that animals can sense our feelings and I would never want him to feel that I was annoyed by him or that I didn't want him (granted, my feelings probably would have changed if I gave it a few more weeks and I bonded with him but I wasn't positive that would happen); Cambie and he did very well together, but I missed seeing her because she began spending most of her time in the bedroom where there was a baby gate put up so that Porter couldn't go in and jump on the bed; I also missed playing tag with her which she ceased doing because there was a dog on her rug (her favorite "come and play with me" place). That's most of it, other than finding out that I'm more of a cat person than a dog person. At least for now. I'm not saying we'll never get a dog, but it needs to be when we own (not rent) a home that has a bigger, fenced yard. I think I was trying to fill a baby-shaped hole with a dog and we all know that a round peg won't fit into a square hole, if you know what I mean.

So please don't hate me and try to understand, dear Internet. And if any of you dog-loving readers happen to live in Nashville, please adopt Porter/Buddy. He's a good dog and deserves a great home! (Go to the petfinder link I posted before.)

Reach out and touch someone
Reach out and touch someone (again)

Cambie and Porter


Posted by Bird On A Line @ 8:44 AM

Wednesday, October 5, 2005


Internet, my cat's ass.
Cat's ass, the Internet.

Internet, my cat's ass. Cat's ass, the internet.

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 3:10 PM


Okay, Dog People, tell me how you deal with having a messy house - dirt tracked in from outside and dog hair on the rug and a dog that likes to jump up on the couches that you spent a lot of money to cover with Pottery Barn slip covers. Tell me how you don't get tired of having a big dog follow you around everywhere you go, tripping you as you try to walk down the hall to the living room. Tell me how you deal with having to take the dog outside all the time to go pot-aye.

Tell me. Because I think I've changed my mind about the dog thing. I feel bad - really guilty and sad (mostly because Huz wants him), but how do I get used to this stuff after having a nice, clean, independent (well, sometimes) cat?

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 1:27 PM

Monday, October 3, 2005

Big Bang

Um, yeah. Word to the wise - chop a hard-boiled egg up BEFORE microwaving it in the office kitchen. Otherwise, when you get it out of the microwave and place it on the counter, it will explode LOUDLY just as the person who hired you walks in. My hand is burnt from this lovely expereince, but at least it woke me up.

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 10:37 AM

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