Through My Lens

Monday, December 29, 2008

Grandma

It's been great having my mom in town. She did catch our flu, but seems to be over it now (phew!). She's helping around the house and loving her grand daughter to pieces. The best part? Huz and I have gone out JUST THE TWO OF US like three times already.

We had dinner here one night; we hung out at this coffee shop yesterday morning; we went to this movie last night.

How awesome is that? Very!

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 11:58 AM

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas

Well, it seems that Santa visited us after all.

Huz finally got a dutch oven (no, it's not a Le Creuset - too expensive, but good reviews all the same, thankyouverymuch).

And Santa got me a macro lens! I was so surprised and delighted. Here's some experimental shots I took this morning.

My mom just called to say she boarded her flight to come and see us! Yay!!

I hope everyone has enjoyed a happy, safe and merry day.

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 3:29 PM

Monday, December 22, 2008

Oh Sweet Jesus

Now Huz is vomiting! I fear I'm next.

Somebody help us!!

[Added later.]

So far I haven't gotten signs of the flu (knock on a forest!), so I'm taking care of two sickos wearing a mask. I'm hot. On the bright side, my scar looks pretty good, no?

We're really hoping and praying that my mom makes the standby flight here on Christmas Day. There's no way I want her to get sick, but we really need and deserve someone to come and take care of us. We also need someone to bring some Christmas cheer to us, because we aren't feeling any. If she makes the flight I know she'll be bearing gifts, cheer and love like only a mom can. Sometimes you just really need your mom.

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 7:08 AM

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Christmas is Cancelled

I am so very, very upset. The news of my health keeps getting worse. So, the surgeon had to carve into my trachea in order to get clean margins on the cancer. He told Huz that there was a "very small" risk that I'd get a hole in my trachea due to this, but it was unlikely. Enter the Daycare Cold from Hell that I contracted three days after surgery. Seems all the coughing, sneezing and nose blowing perforated my trachea. I'm now venting air into the soft tissue of my neck. This explains the intense chest pain I had on Tuesday (air pushing on my organs - if you've ever had painful intestinal gas, you know what this feels like). It also explains why I woke up a few days ago with a sore neck and when I went to massage the muscle it felt like there was bubble wrap crinkling underneath. This is a crazy thing called subcutaneous emphysema and wikipedia has it right when they explain it as rice krispies under the skin. It also explains why when I blow my nose my neck puffs up like a bull frog. It's supposed to close on it's own, so I just have to do all I can to keep the hole closed (no coughing, no heavy lifting). All of this to say that I'm still not feeling well and now I've been advised not to fly on an airplane, lest I get a collapsed lung because of the low pressure. Freaking Fantastic. There go our fun Colorado Christmas plans with our families. There goes the spa day with my mom and 2 sisters where we were going to get massages and pedicures. There goes the two nights in a bed and breakfast for Huz and I so we could celebrate our belated 14th wedding anniversary while Grandmo watches Claire. There goes Christmas as I know it and love it.

We considered driving, but it's a 17 hour drive (if you don't stop), but we have a 14 month old who likely would not take too lightly to being strapped in a car seat for 17-20 hours. And, on top of that, Claire has been throwing up for 2 days now. We don't know why. She's acting normally and has no fever, but she keeps throwing up and we keep having to bathe her and wash all of her bedding. I just hope she doesn't choke on her vomit as she's sleeping.

I am so depressed. I have to ask why this is all happening to me and what I did to deserve this. I simply don't know.

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 1:22 PM

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

One Week Later

So here's how I look now.

The wound looks pretty good, no?

I tried to go to work for the first time today but only made it three hours because I was struck with a sudden onset of severe throat and chest pain. I went to the Dr., got a chest xray, was told I have an upper respiratory infection and was sent home with yet more drugs to take. I don't think I've felt this much pain since childbirth, no kidding. If this is what life is for me now, somebody just shoot me.

Back to bed I go. Sniff.

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 8:34 PM

Sunday, December 14, 2008

When It Rains

Ohmygawd. What did I do to deserve this? Not only am I still recovering from freaking neck surgery, but now I am suffering from the Daycare Cold From Hell - me and every other member of my house, that is. We're all cranky, sneezy, snotty, and coughy. I'm trying to sneeze carefully, if there is such a thing, lest I tear one of my internal stitches. This is ridiculous! Now I see why people move back to the same town as their parents once they have kids because ain't nobody but a grandparent gonna put you out of your snot nose misery and take your kid for a few hours so you can sleep. THIS SUCKS.

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 9:48 AM

Friday, December 12, 2008

Frustrating

It's really frustrating that I'm still so tired. Yesterday was the first day I've only taken one nap, granted it was a three hour nap, but it was only one and not two or three like I've been taking. So, today, I thought, we'll get out of the house and actually DO something! Maybe I'll go to Macy's and use the gift certificate I have toward finding a new coat to go with my new scarf! Well, after taking a shower and trying to wash my hair while keeping my neck dry (do you know how hard that is?), drying my hair, putting on a little mascara and getting dressed, I was exhausted. So we went up the road to a deli for lunch and came back home where I promptly put my pjs back on and got into bed with this laptop. I hope that these are normal residual effects to surgery and that I don't already have hypothyroidism from the pills I take every day. I don't want to be lethargic and gain weight - that's just not fair after all that I've already been through. Blah.

Anyway, here are some pictures from the awesome Thyroid Bon Voyage party I had last weekend with my girlfriends. There was much drinking, laughing, secret-sharing, and even some dancing. I had a blast and hope to do it again for fun and not to wish another organ goodbye.

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 1:08 PM

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

In Sickness and in health

Today is my 14th wedding anniversary and I have to thank God in Heaven for blessing me with such a man as Huz. He's been taking care of me and Claire for the last several days; he helped me hobble into the hospital bathroom and held my hand as I peed for the first time after surgery; he brought me breakfast in bed; he gave me my medications; he even got me a lovely anniversary present (a cashmere scarf and a lovely locally made silver necklace). You're amazing, Huz, and I'm so very grateful for you. Happy Anniversary - here's to many more happy and healthy years together. I love you.

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 5:25 PM

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

alive

i'm at home recovering. Am extremely sore and tired, but alive. Thank you for all your well wishes.

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 11:51 AM

Monday, December 8, 2008

Surgery Today

Hours before I check in for surgery: 2
Hours before surgery: 4
Hours since I last ate or drank: 13
Hours until I can eat or drink: 8 (at least)

I'm STARVING and THIRSTY!

Such a whiner, I know.

Feeling kinda nervous - cried when I hugged Claire Bear goodbye as Huz took her to daycare, cried when I got off the phone with my mom. Had weird dreams last night (due to nerves, I guess). But most of all? I just freaking hungry, y'all.

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 10:17 AM

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Just So Ya Know

Okay, folks. I have to take a break from the self photo project to tell you that I'm okay. I'm not suicidal or anything. I just had a long lost uncle call me (I don't think I've heard from him since I was a baby) because he occasionally reads this and was concerned by my last post. I'm fine. Really.

Sure, there are still fears about getting my throat cut open (I've never had surgery before so this is an expected reaction, right?) and concerns over what another very visible scar will do to my self esteem, but I'm not freaking out, self medicating, or anything crazy. No, my reactions have been really benign (ha ha), mostly internal with the occasional meltdown on the phone with my mom or friend or crying on Huz's shoulder once or twice (okay, maybe more like three or four times). I'm still successfully working at my full-time job, going out to lunch with friends, and am even throwing myself a Thyroid Bon Voyage party tonight with 6 of my closest girlfriends. So, I'm fine. I am just using photography as a creative expression of all that I've felt over the past month - all of which are normal, justifiable feelings and emotions. The second set of photos is supposed to be disturbing - it's supposed to evoke the emotions that I've been going through and it's supposed to make you respond in kind.

Oh, and to the reader who told me to get of my "pitty potty"? Bite me.

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 9:20 AM

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Photo Project

I've decided to do a self photography project in response to cancer. It's a way to express my emotions and feelings in response to it all and it's a creative outlet for me during all the fear, anger, and feelings of helplessness and isolation. The first set I did in the last post was, I think, a mourning of what I perceive to be a loss of beauty. Getting an incision in such a prominent, obvious place is challenging my self image - I already have a huge scar on my face that I've dealt with my whole life. Surprisingly, though, nobody seems to notice it until I point it out. I got it when a Great Dane bit my forehead when I was only two years old. And now I'll have another scar to add to it.

This second set is more about fear and anger. I also wanted to express how helpless and small I feel: subject to something else. That's why I put the camera at a high angle above me and, funnily, it makes me look like I have no neck in several shots which only underscores the loss and powerlessness I feel.