Through My Lens

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Hola From No-Blog-Much-Ville (Alternate Title: Wow, This Turned Out to Be a Serious and Revealing Post!)

I have been fulfilling my need to spew random tidbits, whine about the terrible twos, and quote random funny lines from TV on Twitter lately. That is why I've neglected you blog buddies. Sorry.

I just found out that a good friend of mine is separating from her husband. While I'm not really surprised, I'm still sad. Sad that there is a chance my friend could be a single mom (not that I doubt her ability to do that for one second, but, damn, would it be hard), sad that my friend's kid may end up in a different state from one of her parents one day, sad that a good friendship doesn't always translate into a good marriage. In the end, I told her it doesn't matter to me if the marriage works out or not, but what matters is her health and happiness. And I mean that. Big hugs to you, friend. I love you, support you, and want to be here for you. Let me know what you need (dinner at your house once a week together? Drive by hugs? Long, girly chats on the phone? Play dates with our kids?) because I cannot begin to guess what you are feeling right now.

In light of this (and in light of recent weeks with The Toddler From Hell), I decided that I need to be more intentional about the time I spend with Huz. I just got back from lunch with him. We work on the same campus twice a week, but have only gone out to lunch together a handful of times in the past four years. Why!? I don't know, but I want to change this. It may sound like a small thing sitting together over an hour-long lunch, but it's time we can actually be together without a screaming toddler in the background. I think this is important. I've said it before, it's really difficult not having family around to (enthusiastically) babysit (for free). It's damn hard. And during this particularly difficult tantrumy stage, I think it's important for us to set aside time for each other away from her - even if it costs us some babysitting money. So, I'm telling the world that I want to commit to that. It's important for me. It's important for Huz. It's important for our marriage. (And I'm not saying that this in any way caused my friend's marriage to have trouble - I'm just saying it is a good idea in general and I want to do this for us.)

I also want to be more intentional about being happy. As some of you may know from the posts I've done over the years, I struggle with a sense of self, a sense of purpose. It usually comes out in terms of career (or lack thereof*) and struggling with what I want to be when I grow up (even though I'm freaking grown up already!). So, I made a few steps this week to help myself through this ongoing process. I contacted the Rector of my church to offer my photography skills** should any events/publications/websites be needing such services (he said I have good timing and will be contacting me soon to discuss); I called a friend and committed to be more intentional about socializing since I often feel alone after working all day, going home, putting The Toddler to bed, and then vegetating in front of the TV; and, the scariest part of all, I made an appointment for therapy. When I think about it, it shouldn't be that embarrassing that I need a professional to talk to. I mean, shit, I just went through some of the scariest moments of my life with cancer, surgery, and radiation. I'm entitled to some me time - even if it's sitting in a chair crying my eyes out in front of a stranger while learning who I am in the process. I admit that I need some help working through some things. It's going to be hard, but ultimately it's going to be good. It will make me healthier and happier, which will mean I'll be a better companion, friend, wife, and mother.

Wish me luck, people.

*I mean, I do have a career, I guess - education administration - but it never seems to grow to a level that satisfies me. I'm' still stuck at a desk doing whatever faculty or students ask of me. I was even called "secretary" this year by one of the students. I thought I was going to hang myself that day.

**I struggle with feeling like I have any good skillz, though I do enjoy photography and have been told by more than just Huz (who doesn't count) that I'm good at it. So, in reaching out to the public in this way, I'm trying to get over my fear and self doubt and to further grow in this artistic area. I did make $400 last week taking photos at a work function. How cool is that!?

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Posted by Bird On A Line @ 1:39 PM

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