Saturday, January 17, 2009
On Pause. In Limbo.
I feel like I'm in limbo. The whole world seems to have moved on and yet here I am stuck in a gummy, gray place. What am I talking about? Well, I feel like everyone thinks I had a broken arm and after getting surgery and a band aid, I'm all better. But I may not be. I still have radiation looming ahead of me and, quite frankly, it scares the shit out of me. Yeah, yeah, it's a "magic bullet" in that it's radiated iodine so only thyroid tissue should take it up, but clearly it will effect other parts of my body since I'm not allowed to conceive for a YEAR after treatment (mature egg cells take up the radiation too and I guess you could have a sick or miscarried baby). It's POISON. I'll be dangerous to others for a week. I have to find a place to stay so I can be on ISOLATION, especially from children and pregnant women. If I vomit in the car on the way home from the hospital after getting the radiation pill, my car will be impounded for six MONTHS. I can't wrap my head around this. What am I doing? I'm ingesting POISON. This is crazy. I hate that this is happening to me. Although joining the group mentioned in the previous post is helpful in that I know I'm not alone, it's also making this all so real. This is really happening and it's happening to me. Some people who have gone through exactly what I'm going through haven't gotten better. Some have, but some have to take the radiation over and over again with more surgeries and some don't ever get cured of cancer. I can't help but ask, what if?In the meantime, while I am focusing so much on myself and how scary and unfair this all is, I feel like I'm letting people down. I'm not being an attentive wife, mother, or friend. I'm too selfish right now. I'm too focused on being radioactive, on what it will be like being isolated from Claire (and Huz) for 7 days, on what if my cancer comes back, on when am I ever going to feel like myself and not so tired and crappy again? My apologies to Huz, Claire, my friends and my family. I'm sorry I'm not more attentive right now. I'm sorry I'm not as sensitive to your needs as I normally would be. I'm sorry I didn't send out a single Christmas card or thank you note. I'm doing all I can to survive right now. I'm sorry. |
