Through My Lens

Saturday, January 17, 2009

On Pause. In Limbo.

I feel like I'm in limbo. The whole world seems to have moved on and yet here I am stuck in a gummy, gray place. What am I talking about? Well, I feel like everyone thinks I had a broken arm and after getting surgery and a band aid, I'm all better. But I may not be. I still have radiation looming ahead of me and, quite frankly, it scares the shit out of me. Yeah, yeah, it's a "magic bullet" in that it's radiated iodine so only thyroid tissue should take it up, but clearly it will effect other parts of my body since I'm not allowed to conceive for a YEAR after treatment (mature egg cells take up the radiation too and I guess you could have a sick or miscarried baby). It's POISON. I'll be dangerous to others for a week. I have to find a place to stay so I can be on ISOLATION, especially from children and pregnant women. If I vomit in the car on the way home from the hospital after getting the radiation pill, my car will be impounded for six MONTHS. I can't wrap my head around this. What am I doing? I'm ingesting POISON. This is crazy. I hate that this is happening to me. Although joining the group mentioned in the previous post is helpful in that I know I'm not alone, it's also making this all so real. This is really happening and it's happening to me. Some people who have gone through exactly what I'm going through haven't gotten better. Some have, but some have to take the radiation over and over again with more surgeries and some don't ever get cured of cancer. I can't help but ask, what if?

In the meantime, while I am focusing so much on myself and how scary and unfair this all is, I feel like I'm letting people down. I'm not being an attentive wife, mother, or friend. I'm too selfish right now. I'm too focused on being radioactive, on what it will be like being isolated from Claire (and Huz) for 7 days, on what if my cancer comes back, on when am I ever going to feel like myself and not so tired and crappy again? My apologies to Huz, Claire, my friends and my family. I'm sorry I'm not more attentive right now. I'm sorry I'm not as sensitive to your needs as I normally would be. I'm sorry I didn't send out a single Christmas card or thank you note. I'm doing all I can to survive right now. I'm sorry.

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 2:33 PM

My Food Blog

Quesadillas and Drinks


Nurse Jackie
United States of Tara
So You Think You Can Dance
True Blood
Curb Your Enthusiasm

Book Reading



Julie and Julia
Thirteenth Tale
Kite Runner
No Country For Old Men
The Road
What To Expect When You're Expecting
Water for Elephants
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
Baby Wise
Norwegian Wood
Rabbit Redux
Rabbit, Run
On Beauty
Cement Garden
Eat, Pray, Love
Cute, Quaint, Hungry and Romantic: The Aesthetics of Consumerism
The History of Love
Pure Style Living
All The Names
Collage Discovery Workshop
Hard-Boiled Wonderland and The End of the World
Fugitive Pieces
Taking Charge of Your Fertility
A 90 Day Guide...
The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy
Fast Food Nation
The Reader
Angel's World
Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress
The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle
Black Dogs
Enduring Love
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Blog Reading

Blue Poppy
Bookish Bent
The Burkerts 3
Colors of My Mind
Cool Hunter
The Craziness We Call Life
Creative Musings
Fickle Feline
The Forth Clan
Geek's Pensieve
Green Genes
Holly Needs a Hobby
I Pretty Much Hate Everything
Inevitably Keely
Just Jenn
Mighty Girl
Mimi Smartypants
Modern Cottage
Mothers of Invention
My Head is Full of Stuffing
Nienie Dialogues
Possum Holler Press
Quarter Life Crisis
Say It, Don't Spray It
Self Passage
So Not Cool
Super Hero Journal
Tea and Brie
Three Girls and a Guy
Waiter Rant
Who Knew?
Wise Craft
Work It, Mom
You Go Grrrl

Kid Related

Baby Cheapskate
Cool Mom Picks
Green Mom Finds
Project Nursery/
Rookie Moms
The Soft Landing

Home Style

Apartment Therapy
Design Sponge


Amy Ruppel
Boho Photography
Daily Dose of Imagery
Deceptive Media
Decor 8
Little Purple Cow Photography
Non dairy Diary
Not Martha
Photo Junkie
Three Potato Four
Shutter Sisters
STC Craft
Tiny Showcase


101 Cookbooks
Becks & Posh
Chocolate and Zucchini
David Lebovitz
Delicious Days
The Domestic Goddess
Food Beam
My Vintage Kitchen
The Perfect Pantry
The Post Punk Kitchen
Serious Eats
Smitten Kitchen
Vegan Yum Yum