Through My Lens

Sunday, July 2, 2006

What If?

I hate this about myself, but I'm not a "glass is half full" kind of gal. I'm a doubter and have been for as long as I can remember. I don't know why, but I'm very skilled at finding negative things in life. Not a good trait, I know. But I am aware of it and trying to change it.

When I got engaged back at 18, I remember thinking that I'd die before I actually got married; that I wouldn't be able to experience that new wonder of life. Obviously, I didn't die.

Then after I was married for almost a year, Huz and I prepared for a big move from Washington to Louisiana. Again, I thought I'd die in a car accident or something before experiencing that grand, new adventure. Needless to say, this didn't happen either.

Now that I'm starting to prepare for yet another exciting new stage of life, I have my doubts and irrational thoughts. Will we be able to conceive? What if I have an ectopic pregnancy? What if I have a miscarriage? What if we're sterile? What if I'm a bad mother? What if we can't really afford a child? What if...? The list goes on. The biggest one, though, is am I ovulating? I started charting my basal temperature about 2 months ago and I'm freaking out a bit because I have yet to see a real, definitive spike in temperature that indicates ovulation (progesterone causes the body temperature to rise, thus this is the tell-tall sign that ovulation has occurred). I'm well aware that the Pill can prevent ovulation from occurring for weeks, months, or even years in some women. I'm also aware that we haven't really even been trying yet, but I'm charting so I can see how my body works so that when we do, we can effectively "try." I know most say, "Oh, just have fun and it'll happen," but I don't know if that's true.

ARGHH. There I go again with the negativity. What is my problem!? Why can't I take life in stride, open my eyes to the positive things, and just be content? I hope that my concern and my irrational thoughts (at least I don't think I'm going to die this time) about this aren't causing my temperatures not to spike.

I need to learn to rest and to Deep breath.

Posted by Bird On A Line @ 1:23 PM

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