Thursday, June 8, 2006
Mimi, Oh Mimi
I love me some Mimi Smartypants. Really, I do. But reading her delicious writing creates a distinct binary of emotions in me. I get simultaneously amused and jealous. Amused because I laugh my ass off at her witty writing and snarky attitude, jealous because I'll never be able to write as well as she does.I particularly enjoyed some of her recent conversations, especially the one with her daughter.
Check it.
IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS
Yeshiva Boy In My Neighborhood #1: Is that a new suit?
YBIMN #2: Yeah. Hand-me-down from my cousin.
YBIMN #1: It is remarkably ill-fitting!
YBIMN #2: Yo, check it: I'm wearing it with white socks, bro.
YBIMN #2: Damn. ALL the Rachels be wanting your fine ass.
YBIMN #1: You know it. Somebody get Potok on the line! New title: The Chosen...For The Best-Dressed List!
YBIMN #2: He died in 2002 but in a non-literal way I totally understand what you mean!
Empty Cheeto Bag: I am but a husk, friendless in an uncaring world. Emptied of my cheesy snack goodness, I was cast aside without a care. I drift hither and yon, the lowliest of the low, buffeted by the wind and by the unseeing feet of vast multitudes. My future is dark indeed, and I long for merciful unconsciousness.
Me [walking past]: Christ, that's enough. Get over yourself.
Empty Cheeto Bag: Shut up, bitch! I wasn't even talking to you!
Me [turning around to flash the "L For Loser" signal on my forehead]
Empty Cheeto Bag [calling after me as I walk away]: Fuck you!
REAL ONE THAT WAS EVEN STRANGER
Nora has this huge playground ball, really more the size of a stability/exercise ball. The other day she put it on the toilet, where it was quite a sight for me when I walked into the bathroom and found this multicolored 20-inch orb rising out of the bowl.
Me: Wow, what's this?
Nora: I'm pretending that's poop.
Me: It's huge!
Nora: A huge piece of poop. A gargantuan piece of poop. I'm sorry, but it will not go down with the flusher.
Me: Who pooped this huge poop? Was it you?
Nora: No. I don't know who did it, because I wasn't there.
Me: I guess it will just be a mystery then.
Nora: Maybe it was a wild boar.
This child is so weird sometimes. A wild boar? You are pretending that a wild boar broke into the house and took a beach-ball-sized dump in our toilet? Okay. |
