Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Struggling
I've been struggling ever since I returned to the office environment this past summer. I've worked in office jobs since I was 19 years old and they just get so old, even if they are in different companies or different cities. When I quit my full-time job to go back to college two years ago, it was a hard transition too. I was a married adult and though I did really well academically, I had a bit of an identity crisis when I found myself suddenly immersed in an environment of folks under 25 and single. (Thank God I found Alyx, though.)Now, I'm transitioning back into the workplace and I'm struggling with who I am again. I keep asking myself, "Is this it? Is this all that life has to offer?" I get up at 6:30a.m., take a shower, get into the boring ol' office attire (per dress code stipulations, mind you- forget wanting a nose ring or visible tattoo!), go to the same office with the same people and do the same thing every day, go home, strip off my work clothes (this is a psychological shedding of my day at work) and veg. Repeat 4 times and take 2 days off. Ad naseam.
I have always wanted a career. I have always wanted a graduate degree. And I will get those things, but Good Lord! it takes more time than I planned. I graduated college in May at age 29. Why so late? Because I got married young, didn't know what I wanted out of life, and I worked full-time to work Huz through his Master's degree. Now? I feel like I have to work so that we don't accrue more debt while Huz is getting his Ph.D. (even though he fully supports me going to grad school anytime - I just can't bear the thought of how much we'd have to get in loans to live without an income). It's not easy putting off grad school and the career because it makes me feel like I'm on pause or on hold and that all that I am right now is my stupid job title, which has no real importance and no big paycheck to boot.
So I ask you, is this really all there is? |
